someone asked me how I keep going....this was my written reply..

what gets me going is wanting a better future for my kids. On the days that I don't feel up to it (more often then not lol..) I take one look at my lil' ones and want a better tomorrow for them then my yesterdays have been and I get to work. It's hard, omg do I ever know it.. we are a one car family and hubby needs that for work.. so for 10+ hours a day M-F I am stuck in our apartment with three kids screaming to get out, calories that need burned, meals that need cooked, cleaning that needs done..the list goes on and on.. hubby will call and say he's made his step goal on the way to work and I just want to scream.. my work is here, we don't go anywhere!!!! So I've had to get creative with my workouts (the wii and my ipod are my best friends in that regard!) .. and I've had to find ways to involve the kiddos (not easy when we're talking three kids five and under two of whom are still breastfeeding!) but I get it done.. one way or another. I don't want to either not live to see my grandkids..or see my children struggle in life as I have.. so on those days I just cant take it anymore.. I think of how I've been teased over the years.. I think of all the tears that didnt need to be shed..of all the heart ache.. of all the misery, and I put my tuchas in motion to spare them from that. 9/10 I feel better for having done it.. and now that I've been at it awhile my kids actually encourage me " mommy walk it out! burn your calories" "where's your burn mom? can I see?!" "hey mommy let me turn the light on your body bugg and see how much your winning".. and rounds of applause when a target alarm go off have all become part of my day to day life. The other night at the grocery store I met my calorie burn and all three kids started clapping and the baby (she's 17months) did a lil' happy dance right in the middle of the aisle. I've tucked that memory away deep in my heart and in my head, for those moments I think why am I doing this?! HOW am I going to do this?! wth was I thinking?!?! and I get back in gear.. knowing another happy dance and more loving smiles from my kiddo's.. are going to be there.. not only in the days ahead.. but in the weeks, months and years.. and someday in the faces of my grandkids..who will have never known their Nana unhealthy and cocooned in fat.. I'll be the Nana with room on her lap for all the loving and cuddling I can take.. because I'm working NOW for it... before it's too late

just took my first....

long walk outside... in my work out clothes.. freaked out at first that people would be looking at me funny.. like hey whats up with that fat chick?! but nope.. I was shocked to get a few friendly nods from runners...real runners! ya know the ipod wearing, fanny pack bearing, water bottle lugging type runners :D.. anywho.. My goal was to go solid for an hour, non stop.. so I set an alarm for 30 minutes out and knew that would be time to turn around and head back home.. (fully prepared to be dying by then lol..) .. but nope I aced it :D.. if anything I could have gone for more if I didnt have to get back to fix dinner for the family :D.. I used map my run to see how far I went and in 57 minutes I went 2.83 miles (I had to stop twice to wait for stop lights to cross the street.. *(&()*&)!!! but other then that went non stop!).. I spiked a 10.7 calorie per minute burn :D.. and killed 630 calories in a lil' less then an hour.. not as good as Zumba.. but refreshing.. I hope the weather holds up so I can do it again tomorrow :D

Five weeks with my bugg...& R.I.P. Uncle Alan...

And I lost another 3.3lbs , leading to a grand total of.... 15.1lbs down in 5 weeks! I'm SO proud of myself :D.... its been harder some days then others.. but much easier over all then I thought it would be...


Yesterday was near impossible day for me :( My Uncle Alan passed away.. the decision was made to take him off lifesupport and moments later he was gone.. he will forever be missed

http://www.hutchesonsmemorialchapel.com/index.cfm

Alan Kermit Tholl
(May 28, 1953 - March 11, 2010)

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Mr. Alan Kermit Tholl, age 56, of Temple passed away Thursday, March 11, 2010. Mr. Tholl was born in Amnityville, New York on May 28, 1953. He was the son of the late Irwin Tholl and the late Shirley Lewis Tholl. Mr. Tholl was a veteran of the United States Army and was retired as a food service supervisor with the State of California. Survivors include his wife, Jill Barber Tholl of Temple; three sons, Kyle Tholl of Dallas, TX, Zachary Tholl of San Diego, CA and Justin Tholl of Tmple; one sister, Anita Morris of Beaverton, OR; one brother, Steven Altman of North Hollywood, CA; one grandchild; and a number of other relatives. A private memorial service will be conducted at a later date. The body will be cremated. Hutcheson’s Memorial Chapel & Crematory of Buchanan is in charge of the arrangements.

if stress truly does impact weight loss...

this week is due to suck for me in that regard :'( ... as some of you may remember my nephew Casen passed away at the start of the week at just 6.5 months old.. now my Uncle Alan who has been battling cancer for the last two years (and had a bone marrow transplant not 6 months ago and was pronounced in remission with many years to come) got very sick, very fast... within the last 48 hours he's gone from emergency room having trouble to breathe to on full life support and they are still unsure why. My Aunt just made the decision to go ahead and take him off life support. The doctors feel he has zero chance of recovery and he is for all intents and purposes brain dead :'( ... The funeral will be tomorrow, in Georgia... there is no way I can get there :'( we simply don't have the funds.. I am a total basket case... I have zero desire to work out, I just want to curl in a ball and cry.
It's like every time I make big strides towards health something horrible happens... the van breaking down so we can't get to the gym.. my hubby getting laid off work ... the list goes on and on.. I know tragedy is part of life .. it's just one of those weeks it's like every lightning bolt on the planet is aimed at me :(

What a lovely time for it to start to snow... hubby is on his way home from work, and then we are headed down to Nana & Papa's to try to finish up the work on the van. I really hope we get it fixed in time for me to make it to my Zumba class tonight.. I so miss the gym!

%^(&%!&*!%^ Van...

Last wed. night when my hubby got to the park n' ride after work the van wouldn't start.. we ended up having it towed (buh bye over 200 dollars!) to get it home.. we did a lot of diagnostics.. and it looks like the fuel pump went bad.. soooooooooo we found a "shade tree" mechanics method of starting the car.. tried it.. no success :(.. had it towed down to the street in front of my moms to work on it (since we can't do that here at the apartment complex)...(buh bye another 100+ dollars &^*(&^*!!!) .. it's now Monday... my husband & I spent ALL weekend working on the car.. and I mean all weekend..from sunup to well past sundown.. so.. no gym for us.. no training for my upcomming 10K.. I did manage to make my burn every day, but oh was it a struggle to do so :( .. tonight when hubby gets home we are headed back down to Nana & Papas house to keep working on the van..then pray when we are done with the job the blasted thing will actually start.. way more stress then I can handle right now.. :'(

never would have thought this was even in the realm of possibility...

yet this morning I signed up to do the March of dimes walk this year. My husband and I have lost 9 lil' ones in the course of our marriage.. and I've always *wanted* to do the 6.2 mile walk.. but knew I would not be able to do it. It will still be pushing it to do it this year.. yet I just registered.
My nephew passed away this morning in the wee hours at just 6.5 months old.. his life was spent between the NICU and Home.. and life flights to the NICU in cooks.. my heart is just aching for the entire family and for everyones life who was touched by lil' Casens.
When I heard the news I went right to the march of dimes website and signed up for the walk.. 6.2 miles in just 50 days from today. It will be pushing my body further then I have ever pushed it.. and not much time to train.. but I KNOW i can do this.. for the babies I've lost.. for Casen.. and for every other family who has been touched with either infant loss, or a premature baby. (My daugther was 9 weeks early.. we lost her twin sister, but she made it by the grace of God and an excellent NICU staff)..
anywho.. if your one who prays.. please pray I can make it the entire 6.2 miles without just totally passing out and laying on the side of the road! If not for my BUGG I dont think I would have even considered doing this.. but I've gotten SO much healthier since getting it, I really think I can do this... no, I know I can.. let the training begin!!!